Lindseyticus Lohanicaus, a well-known actor and performer from an extremely wealthy Thessalonian family was arrested yesterday morning for shoplifting grain from vendors at Fleaticus Marketus, a store which has sold grains to passersby since the first synagogue opened in Thessalonica a few years ago.
The Lohanicaus family had been missing for three days after venturing to the coastal region to buy a new variety of goat cheese. Unexpectedly, a fleet of Egyptian sailors harbored in Thessalonica and prevented citizens from returning home.
According to Lohanicaus, a group referred to as “The Way” had convinced her that her family had been taken by God and that she was left alone. Believing that her parents had been removed from the face of the earth, the young, well-known actress thought that she had been left to care for herself. Realizing that the storehouse at home was nearly empty, she believed that she should take some time to restock because her parents were not expected to return until their savior decided it was time to bring them back with him. She felt abandoned by both her parents and her Messiah, convinced that she had been left behind with no drachmas, she began pilfering food to store.
According to some teachers, which her family had believed, a man named Jesus was taken from the earth several years ago, after an unbelievable resurrection. When he ascended into heaven, he told his followers that he would come again. Since those days, much has been said about his return to receive his followers and take them away. Ms. Lohanicus assumed she had been left behind and resorted, quickly, to survival for which she was untrained. The soldiers making the arrest found it difficult to believe the intensity with which Lohanicaus’ family believed those stories.
Ms. Lohahicaus’ mother was not her typically supportive self when confronted with her daughter’s brush with the law. Critically, she queried, “Es vos affectus per venenum iterum?”
One arresting officer, Detective Lennie Briscoticus, came quickly to Ms. Lohanicus’ defense saying that if she were his daughter, he would hope that she would have such survival skills. He’s just grateful someone didn’t snatch her up as a slave or prostitute. Fortunately, this same detective had been present during some previous uprisings around one of progenitors of “The Way”, Paul, an itinerate Roman Jew. He had become acquainted with Paul’s teaching in the synagogue. Becoming a convert to The Way the officer had become privy to some letters from this Paul who debunked this whole notion of this poor girl being left behind. Together, they read those letters. To the girl’s great comfort, she realized that her distress was caused by antagonists wishing to disrupt the faith of her family.
Upon interrogation, the arresting officer pledged to search out those teachers and give them “the ol’ what for” for disrupting this family the way they have. Unfortunately, charges remain pending against our young actress, Linseyticus Lohanicaus.
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